Woh Kehte hain na...jo hota hai, achche ke liye hota hai...
As a child I remember having wanted to be many things- Astronaut, Mathematician, cricketer, Pilot, etc etc..
I took my first blow when realization dawned on me that I neither had the talent or the physical build to be a cricketer. One of the most painful sights from my childhood remains the sight of the first ball i bowled (during the selection for the "under-14" Thiruvananthapuram district team). The ball did not reach the batsman. People around me laughed. My heart knew the dream was over. The eternal optimist that I am, I went on to bowl 5 more balls, 3 of which never reached the batsman and the other two were whacked. I never bothered to see how far the ball went.
Planes always fascinated me. And so did Spacecrafts. One of my Mom's friends used to and still refers to me as "Rakesh Sharma", after India's first cosmonaut. As childhood gave way to teens, and the ideals of nationalism began to creep in, plus with India's 50th year of independence around the corner, the desire to become an astronaut got channelized into a desire to fly fighter planes. I knew I wanted to be a pilot in the Indian Air Force.
I was convinced that my very purpose in life was to fly planes and bomb India's enemies. However, there was a major obstacle- na, not one, but more than one. I was afraid of heights- big time. I remember climbing up the stairs of district center Janakpuri (those days it used to be absolutely deserted) and gazing down from up above the ground to break the fear. It took time, but, I was no longer afraid of heights. The next big problem was my own physical stamina which was pathetic. I started walking- mornings and evenings. And eventually started running- daily.
Kargil happened in 1999. That only added fuel to my dreams. I witnessed the funeral procession of a war-hero... also the scene on TV where a widow saluted the casket of her husband... I have never remembered moments when I was more pumped up.
My dream... my desire to get into the Air-Force only grew stronger. I was now running 14 kilometres a day. I nursed no fear. Every night I slept with dreams of wearing the blue uniform. Every morning I opened my eyes inside the cockpit.
I eventually went on to clear the written exam to get through National Defence Academy (NDA). I eventually went for the Assessment Center to Air Force Selection Board (AFSB), Mysore, in May 2000. It is a 5-6 day process and by the 3rd day I was convinced that I had focused on everything but for mental/ emotional strength. Staying away from parents in tough conditions was something I had never prepared myself for. I always knew that it would be tough, but my attachment to my dream was so overpowering that I thought nothing of such an eventuality where I may not be emotionally prepared to go through the rigour.
In the next 2-3 days I saw my dream land (not to be confused with dreamland). The landing was gentle, but, the impact was shattering. Zor ka jhatka, dheere se laga. I was stripped off my desired blue uniform.
I came back to Delhi, and went on to graduate in IT...During my years of graduation, I remember waking in the middle of the night expecting myself in cockpit of a fighter plane.
I remember a family friend mentioning during a discussion that, you don't have to fight for your country to prove your patriotism. It took time, but I eventually internalized it. These days, I make it a point to donate blood at the Armed forces transfusion centre thrice a year.
Looking back, it was good that I did not get through the Air-Force. The Air-Forced deserved better candidates and I deserved a different career.
My next big desire was to get into XLRI to pursue my MBA in HR. I cracked the written exam. I was all pumped for the interview. One of the most painful days from my days of young adulthood remains the day when I had the interview. In six minutes, I was slaughtered. It was deja-vu. I saw another dream land. And this time, zor ka jhatka, zor se laga.
XLRI eventually rejected my candidature. However, it is a tribute to the great institute that, even the letter of rejection is so beautifully drafted that I still preserve it.
I eventually "settled" for MHROD. The two years were absolutely beautiful. The 2 years wiped any remains of the debris left of any of my crash lands.
In retrospect, I would trade those 2 years@MHROD for nothing in the world. And I believe this is not empty rhetoric.
As a believer in destiny and a power up above the world so high.... each of these blows has helped me evolve... I guess people are right when they say what fun would a road be without detours and speed-breakers.
My good friend and Senior, Navnit, was talking to me about this theme...in a different context... We were discussing heart breaks when he said " Never make a person a priority in your life, when you are just an option in his/ her life"... I liked the sentence...
Quite a lot of my desires have met a successful end. I always rejoiced at the triumphs.
Some desires have gone incomplete and in hindsight I thank God for the same.
Woh Kehte hain na...jo hota hai, achche ke liye hota hai...
Sahi kehte hain....
